ChillSpot Online: Our Art is Life

I was missing you, the way you smell in the morning after a shower, all cherry blossums and stuff. When you’re not watching I just stare at you, the little things you do with your nose when you see something gross, how you wrinkle your lip when you hear a corny joke. I remember the first time we locked eyes in that different way, it just blows my mind to know we could have come so far from that place to here, to now. To us. I love you.

This is S3, coming back atcha! I been on the lam for awhile, but I’m coming back. I’ll be updating from roadside rest stops for a bit, but like Mr. Universe says “You can’t stop the signal.” So, get back at me ….

The older I get, the harder it is to withstand the emotional tides that come with life. Used to do it smooth, easy. But now, even the small waves cause me to teeter. Ups are higher - because I know how valuable and rare they are. And lows? Well… Yeah. They can get subterranean. All manner of feeling is more powerful. Every chance is more precious, every moment so much more special and full of hope because it’s so much more apparent how few of them you’ll have. So comes the disappointment of a letdown. Thinking something has the potential to be great; when it never had to opportunity to be anything at all. Deflated? Yeah. Like a hot air balloon.

Sistah, I know you doin’ your thing
Feelin’ your own vibe, but
I just have one request that’ll help you
Put your best foot forward
Toward a better stand in the world boo
Could you … just put on a little make-up?
That would help take up some of that bad skin you got
Flowing right around your cheeks and your forehead
I mean, you asked me to be straight up
So before we hook this date up
Could you run a brush through your hair and over your teeth
Cause it kinda give me grief
That I always gotta be pullin’ you to the side
Before we step outta my ride and puttin’ you in front of a mirror,
Cause your reflection makes it clearer
That you got issues to address
And those issues cause distress to the brotha in your way,
And while we on it might I say
Your attitude could use a shift
When we first met you was the gift
But nowadays your shit is broke
And even worse you like to toke
And open eyes nobody see
Avoidin’ jobs because of pee
Just ain’t the way you need to be
And all this mess comes back on me
And I don’t even smoke the Ghetto D!!!

As the pit in my stomach fills with the caustic acid of anxiety,
I’m asking me if the old time parable, no longer bearable,
Has any validity truthfully:

You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make him drink.
Stop and think
You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make her drink.
Third time, don’t blink!
You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make him drink.
I say that to relay the fact
That anyway your mate may act
Is not for you to alter
But instead your course should falter,
Realize that people are the way they are
And ain’t no cynicism, mysticism or straight up criticism
Gon change the realism
That you can show a person’s flaws
And think that doing so will cause
That one to change their state of mind
Because it won’t.
So instead of changing you
I’m changing me.
Thankfully.

Jered
Don’t know if I mentioned it, but I own an architectural firm – JRB & Associates, LLC. It’s basically me and my partner Braylon. Rob used to work with us, but thought he was better off on his own, and sold his share in the company to us. We liked the sound of JRB, so we left him in, plus he’s still friends with us! In any case, things have been a little tight lately, with the down turn in the economy and whatnot. It was always hard for a small minority-owned company to get the prime contracts, but now? Shit, our biggest deal this quarter was designing and building a coffee shop for a hopeful entrepreneur. But we push on, beating the streets for whatever leads we can get.
I get up at 5:30 every morning to get a jump on the day, with a bagel, some orange juice, some stretching, a prayer and to reorder my schedule. One of the disadvantages of working with a staff of five is that you have to know what everyone is doing and make sure each of them is doing it, no first officer there to whip crack in your absence. So, between that, and making sure I have my affairs in order, I spend 20 to 30 minutes each day double checking what I have to do, what I want to do and what I wish I could do, then moving on to Braylon (who can be a bit of a burden, because the damn fool knows I do this, so he slacks off) and right down to Chelsea, the receptionist/administrative assistant, who is quick to jump off into Facebook or Youtube, or whatever internet based distraction is de jour.
Trying to leave a strong footprint in the black and Hispanic communities leads us to a dilemma I wish I didn’t have to deal with: lazy ass contractors. Yeah, the worse part of working with other minority-owned businesses is that many of them - stereotypically so – in fact, are basically waiting on a handout. A damn handout! Even from other brothers and sisters who they KNOW ain’t got shit either. If it’s not that, then it’s simply keeping them in line, and on task, without overpaying or overpromising anything. I had to light into Braylon early on because he prepaid the contractors to the tune of $65,000, for a project, and, of course, they all got drunk and paid for hookers or whatever the hell they did, and no one could be found for four days. Once I finally did track them down (and I had to literally go down in the hood for these negroes) they denied ever receiving money, then said Braylon told them to take a week off. We lost that time on the project, had to hire another company to cover, and it took nearly a year to recoop the money, because Braylon took the money directly from our funds, instead of writing a check, like our policy states, or clearing it with Chelsea, whose main job is to make sure we don’t go broke. We survived that, and all the other craziness that comes with basically being hustlers in a field where the old boys still smoke cigars in the country clubs and collude to keep all the best deals. And we’re not doing so bad these days, knock on wood. At least the lights stay on.

Sorry this took so long … the ear infection is a cruel thing.

Life is an interesting ride. Full of pitfalls and valleys, but also full of peaks and sunrises. The last three months have been quite a journey, one which I would not trade for anything else. There has been plenty of time for introspection, as if I needed any more? But there it was, to be had in boatloads, just overwhelming at times. When things get quiet, you’re forced to look inward for sound, for a voice, for whatever sustenance you require mentally. That’s not typically how people work. Usually people, the social creatures that we are, feed off one another for energy. To feed off yourself is cannibalism, not a socially-acceptable concept in America. But it can be fulfilling, if difficult. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and my potential path. The question is as it always is: how to do it? I’ll keep you posted on my progress…

Ugh. Double ear infection … WTF? More specifically - swimmer’s ear - an affliction which has affected me before, caused by getting water in the ear and not draining. Painful, and stupid. Anyway, got a job interview today at some random place, so we’ll see if it’s worth it. Literally. Ikea watch: I still have to put that damn cabinet together. I know …

The quiet time… It’s kind of hard, when it’s so quiet you can hear your heart beating in your ears. So quiet that the silence sounds like wind blowing through a conch shell left on a beach. Quiet can make you crazy. It can make you see things that aren’t there. Do things you would never do, but usually not for your betterment. I’ve experienced such quiet in the past few months. It’s a quiet that must be how lonely people feel, how suicidal people feel. A quiet that seems like it will never end. Like a quiet created specifically for your particular brand of pain. That quiet. Quiet like a sensory deprivation chamber. Floating underwater, ears plugged, in the dark … no sounds, the water lukewarm, not hot or cold, just floating for hours .. quiet.

***
For the first time since I’ve been laid off, not having a job has begun to suck, and not because of the money, but because of the quiet. The silence. The having to keep yourself busy or risk eating yourself into a blubbery mess, or driving in the dark with no headlights on, or dropping acid and drinking yourself unconscious … not that I’d do any of those things. Not easy to have to lead yourself …

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***
It’s a beautiful day out today. I think I’ll stay in and pout about life’s crueltly… heh

Sunday at the park a butterfly chased me. Harassed is more like it. Never seen anything like it. I joked that it must have been an old relative passed on or something. It followed me, fluttering wildly around my head for like 25 feet. It was most unusual. But cool too. Made me think about those who are no longer here, and hope for the day we may meet again.