ChillSpot Online: Our Art is Life

The 2007 Cleveland Browns team will be remembered as that wily bunch of kids who came from nowhere (4-12) to the brink of the playoffs. They were in nearly every game they played, right till the end, and overcame their own immaturity (till the end), and shortcomings to win twice as many games as I thought they would. They had several (literally) fortuituous bounces go their way, and nearly had a few more. They won over plenty of critics, and finally look like a team that will compete more than they’re embarassed.

With all that said, they still had some pains. Derek Anderson, love him to death, will eventually have to cede the QB spot to Brady Quinn. Anderson was a great surprise, but I don’t see him having the mental skill-set to carry the team to the next level. He may shock me again, but I think he’s in over his pay grade. Either way, the offensive line looks good. They could use a homerun threat at running back, but J. Lewis did a more than commendable job.

KWII was injured all season, and that’s not counting the injuries from 2005-2006 he’s still recovering from. Braylon is in the Pro Bowl, and brash as ever. The brash part can go, but the skills are top-notch, comparable to the best in the league. The defense … um … needs help. And then Josh Cribbs is the X factor, the game-changer, the unpredictable element that can swing any game into the Browns’ favor.

They won 10 games. They were in it till the very end. And they were more successful than Browns fans have known for a decade. They just couldn’t close. They still have time to learn.

With CBS and NBC (thankfully) being allowed to show the game of the year (with apologies to the Super Bowl), I had to give my running commentary of the game, with random key observations mixed in, of course…

- Why does Deion Sanders look like he’s auditioning to be the black Dick Tracy?

- I wonder if NFL TV studio host Rich Eisen considered a hair piece, after he found out that, oh, maybe 70 million more viewers would be watching him on the telecast?

- Watching Randy Moss get plowed by a nearly stationary Giant defender, and having to leave the game only reminds you of just how skin and bones he must be.

- Mammoth Pats D-lineman Vince Wilfolk probably gave Giants runner Brandon Jacobs brain damage when he went for the eye gouge move with that huge paw of his. Jacobs will feel fine, then suddenly go paraplegic next week some time.

- I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Jeremy Shockey tonight, who’s so intense he probably lobbied to get some game time, even though he’s got a broken leg.

- Why is Wes Welker so slippery? On nearly all of his catches, he makes someone miss, or simply look bad.

- I wonder if the other Manning brother sometimes pretends to be Eli or Peyton to get out of speeding tickets, score women, or get free drinks? This may be a reality TV series coming soon: “The Other Manning”.

- Is there a chance that the player in the Giant’s No. 10 uniform is Peyton, not Eli? What are the odds of this? 10, 15 percent?

- The only thing uncool about Pats receiver Wes Welker is his John McClane facial hair, which makes him look like a wanna-be tough guy.

- Is Tom Brady’s baby-mama - actress Bridget Moynihan - calling her attorney to figure out how all this exposure for him can land her more child support?

- The score is 28-16 Giants. Who thinks it’s over yet?

- Pats 31-28, after Randy Moss and Tom Brady break records (TD catches and passes for the season). They show Belichick on the sidelines talking individually to both. What is he saying? Congratulations? No. He’s reaming them for missing the TD on the previous play. On Monday, he’ll have the missed catch in the video session, explaining how weak his team is and how they’ll be punished for making him have to call the same play twice.

- Next, Brady’s on the sideline, jersey and pads off. Is he coming out? Yeah right. More likely the shirt’s headed FEdEx to Canton, or maybe full-blown metrosexual Tom just “felt dirty”.

- Wes Welker has 11 catches on the game thus far. But on the 11th catch, he did what Pats fans are probably praying for: He got his yards then fell prone to the turf. No need to risk injury here.

- The Pats are running the clock down, using the PASS. How often is a team able to do that?

- Eli looks good tonight…

- Bill Belichick looks like he might burst a blood vessel in his head. The strain of using his mental domination power on the entire Pats and Giants teams is wearing on him. Maybe he needs Cerebro.

- Although it appears that Belichick wears the exact same ratty hoodie, it doesn’t fit his nature … He probably has 50 such hoodies, all lined up in his closet, neatly pressed, with hangers and hoods facing the same way. In fact, he probably has a world-reknown tailor cut the sleeves off each one to the millimeter.

- The best catch of the night? Mike Vrabel wrangling the onside kick. By the way: score is 38-35 Pats.

- Mercury Morris, loud-mouth of the ‘72 Dolphins, was allegedly seen in the light tower in the south end of the stadium, rifle across his back.

- It’s over … 16-0, Brady 2 TD, Moss 2TD, Laurence Maroney 2 TD (with 46 deceptively good yards).

- Belichick, in the postgame interview “It’s just one game …” The madness never ceases with this man!
(Okay, so I made up his quote, but really, what else do you THINK he’d say?)

A feast fit for the holiday season, cooked fresh on Sunday from Paul Brown stadium in Cincinnati by the state’s favorite new chef, Derek Anderson, it’s the Brown Turnover, complete with a side of playoff despair (always a treat) and another serving of PB (progressive backsliding). These delicacies were made with a severe lack of care, owing to our chef’s special penchant for miscalculating the wind and the height of his really tall, athletic receivers. They used to be “Fryed”, but Derek simply flash grills them with that cannon arm of his, leaving broken fingers (of his own mates), which slow these babies down just enough to be grabbed by opposing players, who no doubt are always licking their chops waiting for these pastries to fall into their waiting arms…

Enough is enough, dammit! When he did it against the Cardinals, it was almost forgivable (especially if KWII can get two feet in bounds, or that push out was called). But now, it’s just plain a disaster. Madden heads, you know Anderson’s Awareness number has gotta be about 50 right now. He throws picks under pressure, he throws murderballs to his receivers (a murderball is any pass that comes in WAY TOO HIGH over the middle. Also, the murderball makes said players closest relatives gasp in horror BEFORE the pass is caught.), and almost always starts the game way too nervous to be effective. He threw the majority of his passes off the mark (to the Browns. The Bengals didn’t seem to drop any that hit their hands).

The worst part is by the time he finally calmed down and mounted the comeback, it was again, too damn late. Another game lost on the doorstep to a win. This one will sting more because now the team is begging for another team to lose to even get into the playoffs, when all they had to do was defeat the lowly Bengals. The blame is plenty to go around. The entire offense seemed tentative to start, not scoring points on the first two drives, when points were there to be had. The defense - again - could not stop the run when it mattered, and did not register a sack on the day. But the trophy for ineptitude has to go to Anderson, whose rapid-fire interceptions killed the spirit for a team that thrives on it more than talent even. He acknowledged as much, in earnest manner, in fact, but that doesn’t earn him any points in this town. Not when all he had to to was throw incompletions at the least.

Now the Titans have to lose to Indianapolis, which sounds plausible till you realize that Indy has nothing to gain by winning, and much to lose by playing starters. The Titans are a wild bunch too, so a loss, even with Indy’s second unit on the field, is possible. But when you have a chance to finish off something, you either do it, or find yourself not deserving of it. The Browns, while having played their best season since before expansion, haven’t proved they deserve it. Yet.

NFL NOTES
- I would have thought that Brian Urlacher would have scored on an INT return before today, but apparently not. His 85 yard return helped the team stick a dagger in the Packers hopes of clinching homefield through the playoffs, and might ultimately lead to their demise in Dallas next month.

- I was glad to see Troy Smith not stink it up in Baltimore, in a stew that was made for stinking. He fumbled and had to run for his life, but went 16-33 with a TD in a loss.

- New England has winterized their speedsters, and look ready to grind out a title. They won, they ran, and they crushed the little light that the Dolphins had after getting their first win. This team, while having looked throughly dominant, looks even stronger, now that they’ve put away the missiles and gotten out the old-fashioned machetes and bayonets. They may not score 30 again this year, but they look even more likely to leap over their remaining hurdles to a title.

Pain is merely proof of life,
Every scar a medal for having survived the trial that created it.
Even as you heal, remember the strength it took to succeed,
And feel joy, because it could have destroyed you.
But you won’t let it, will you? It will burn you, scorch your soul,
Make you wail in sadness, strike out at innocents,
But you won’t let it destroy you, will you?

Pain is merely proof of life …
And you seem very alive right now.
Help is coming.

Only a nude spread can save her ranking
Jessica Alba is pregnant, and I’m officially moving on to Megan Fox as my hottie of the moment Numero Uno (despite some rather hideous tattoos in hard to hide places. One on her back says “We will all laugh at gilded butterflies.” Huh? Oh. It’s from King Lear. And it draws quite a bit of interest). At least until after Alba gives birth. Maybe she’ll let go of the whole “won’t do naked” rule and hop on the cover of Vanity Fair with her bulging bump poking out or something. Let’s not dismiss the irony (not that I mind, see, it’s just that I like irony) of Alba being so prudish as to not do nudity, but to go off and get knocked up by someone who is not her husband. Alba and Tom Brady now rank as the hottest fornicators in pop culture, until Fox gets knocked up. She’s tops now, baby!

I ain’t dead yet, well now I am …
Ike Turner! Damn yo. I’ve been melancholic since I heard the news. First, he’s dead. But second, he was 76?!?! Damn, brotha, you hung in there for awhile! He’s lucky some overzealous feminist group didn’t take him out after that movie, where Laurence Fishburne did such an over-the-top outrageous job that people REALLY wanted to jakk him up. Moreso maybe even, than Tina herself. Thing is, now who will O.J. look up to for advice? Cue the drums on that one!

But seriously, the man was talented in regards to his craft, winning a Grammy this year for his work. And since most of us never knew him, other than that movie, who are we to say he needed to suffer or die? The movie was damning tho, right?

Bonus item
Pimp C of the Texas-based rap group UGK was buried Thursday. This cat was only 33. No known cause of death has been released, but my man was probably living hard, like Ol’ Dirty Bastard, and something caught up to him. This may simply be another case of the lifestyle claiming a victim, albeit not by gunfire. (Odd note: How many times do people get scanned by metal detectors at a funeral?).

A shot in the ass
So, the word is that Roger Clemens, among several other prominent players, is officially tagged with the steroid user label. Good.

With all this going on, Barry Bonds has been pushed to second on the list of offenders, no matter what else happens. Everyone has been harping on Barry, while just heaping gravyboats full of praise on Roger. “Oh look at how well he keeps in shape! I can’t believe how well he’s doing at this age,” and blah blah blah. Well, I think it’s time to shut the hell up. Is anyone slapping an “*” on any of the records Clemens has? Cy Youngs (he won two of his seven during his time as a Toronto Blue Jay, and one in 2001, all done while was he likely doping, according to the Mitchell report), wins (354, nearly half of which since 1998) and accolades all must be brought into question right?

I don’t think Clemens will have any trouble getting into Cooperstown, despite doing all the same things Bonds did, except lying under oath. But his oft-pricked butt is probably still greased to slide into the Hall, while Bonds and his big head will be someplace waiting, maybe in jail even. Fair? It never was.

When chemisty goes bad
Check out this this case of love lost (and kicked off the planet, apparently):

A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.
A Superior Court jury found Larissa Schuster, 47, of Clovis, guilty of murdering Timothy Schuster with the special circumstance that the murder was committed for financial gain. His half-dissolved body was found a few days after his 2003 death in a barrel that was inside a storage unit that his wife had rented.

He put the man in a vat, face-down, poured acid on him, and he was still ALIVE when she did it. Damn that’s deep. And now she’s blaming her accomplice. Now, she’s married to him, and she wants to blame some random helper?

Random Thought
The Texans were roundly criticized for drafting Mario Williams, who many thought was simply a physical specimen, not a player, over more highly-touted picks Reggie Bush and Vince Young. Well, while the latter may lead in endorsements, Williams is having the best second year of them all. Bush likely won’t play again this season after an injury, and Young is regressing (or handcuffed by the scheme) enough to have people questioning his skills. I still like Young over Williams, but over Bush? It ain’t so one-sided anymore. Williams had 3 1/2 sacks to smash Denver.

A win is a win, right? That’s what the Cardinals were probably saying after last week’s gift from the Browns. That might be what the Browns are saying this week, after literally hanging on to the game against Jets team, still pumped after scoring 40 against the historically inept Miami Dolphins team. Two onside kicks at endgame bounced the Browns way, and they walk away from Jersey with a 24-18 victory. The gameball may actually have to go to Jamal Lewis, who sealed the win with a 31-yard TD after the Jets second failed onside kick attempt. He ended with over 100 yards on the day, and broke a couple tackles for what was otherwise another lackluster offensive game for the team. At 8-5, the biggest game of the season comes next week against the main playoff competition, the Bills, who sit at 7-6.
At season’s end everyone is banged up, everyone is tired, so sometimes, simply grinding out wins is enough. Ask the Patriots if they feel better winning bad or losing and you know what answer you’d get. Also, need I remind any uppity Browns fans, the team is 8 and FREAKIN’ 5! They can’t have a losing season! Playoffs or no, it’s been a success. Now comes the hard knocks part. If they make the playoffs, it will likely be one and done, no matter who they play. But that’s okay. Just getting there is victory enough for me. But I’m not rooting for the Patriots either…

NFL NOTES
- Troy Smith from GLENVILLE got some game action for the Baltimore Ravens, in a blowout loss to the Colts. Smith, who won the Heisman last year, scored a rushing TD in the closing minutes of what would wind up as a 44-20 drubbing. But why was I hella excited for him?
- The Steelers wanted a win. A young (particularly unwise) player guaranteed it. Any good player knows you don’t have to guarantee a win, you just do it, AND, if you do make such a premeditated boast, be in a position to control it. This CB got toasted twice, once while one-on-one with Randy Moss, and once on a trick play. He didn’t back up his lip and the juvenated Patriots blew out another good team.
- It was nice to see someone punk the Steelers. See Tom Brady talking smack with two defenders? Excellent. If only it was Derek Anderson, and the Browns were winning 31-13 at the time.
- Thanks Bengals, for sucking so badly, and thanks weather, for being so crappy. Without either, I might have had to park in nowheresville. Instead, I pulled right up front to a prime spot for work. And the Bengals won! See what too many demoralizing losses can do to a team (except for Cleveland - fans always show up for the annual slaughters there)?
- Indianapolis whupped up on the Ravens, just to show folks that, even without Marvin Harrison, they could run it up, in a gentlemanly way, of course.
- The Ravens are like the high school bully, who never graduates, gets fat, suffers from premature hair loss, and gets a job working the drive-thru at the local fast food spot. When you see him, you sort of feel bad for him, then you remember all the thumpings you took, all the spilled drinks and biting jokes, and instead you bring all your old friends through the drive-thru to gauk at him like an endangered animal at the zoo.
- Romo is the new Favre. Everyone is harping upon his “legend” when not too long ago, he was a no-name on the bench. Soon, he’ll be in homoerotic Wrangler jeans commercials, and making weak jokes during a SNL appearance.

BONUS COLLEGE NOTE
Now that Florida Gators QB Tim Tebow has won the Heisman as a sophomore, will coaches and critics start criticizing him for running too much (like they do almost every black running QB)?

Surfacing from the murky depths,
I discover the world I left behind gone,
scorched by the vanity of men;
their arrogance blazing hotter than the sun itself,
leaving everyone to broil under their own nefarious narcissism.
But I remain, unscathed, yet for the sting in my soul.
I feel the spirits of my kin,
crying out in screeching anguish
for a reprieve that never will come:
death is the answer to all questions,
and the question to none.
I no longer question my own existence,
after all, what’s the point of self-examination
if there is no one to notice I’ve changed?
I am not so vain as to believe that I can resurrect this world.
I merely wait for my savior to come,
to pass judgment on a life I barely led,
a gift I barely touched,
a fate I never saw coming.
I play single notes on my sax,
each one more lonely than the last,
none comforting the others,
as they fade into the wind,
harsh and grating,
eroding the memories that anyone was ever really here.
But I am here,
walking,
running,
jogging,
crawling,
swimming
inside the bowels of charred cities,
cities that once housed a multitude of opinions,
thoughts,
prejudices,
now house only mine.
I always wanted to be alone, but not like this.
This is what came before alone,
before isolation,
before solitude,
this is what there was before God created light,
But light remains,
so, in essence, so does God.
Someplace, watching me watch the world fall down
brick by brick,
stone by stone,
till nothing remains but the whispers
of something that could have been so good,
but became so bad.

Just last week, I said the Browns’ biggest challenge would be with focus, not physicality. And it only took one freakin’ week for them to prove me a soothsayer. They laid a colllective turd in the game against a lesser team, and almost, ALMOST got a win out of the contest that saw them: Give up key penalty yards at almost every critical juncture, turn the ball over 4 times, give up on a running game that was actually working, get a break on the Braylon TD, where he was likely touched, and be in the position to be robbed at the end, when Kellen Winslow was actually pushed out (he got one foot down AND made a great catch!).
I think the team is reading the standings a little too closely, because the loss won’t drop them in playoff position, but it does tell a bit more about this team. Derek Anderson, who wasn’t even the team’s top choice to lead the offense this year, has yet to have the stinkbomb we all know he’s capable of. Yes, he’s good, but there’s also the knowledge that he can revert and remind us all of the reason the team drafted Brady Quinn.
Next week, the Jets arrive, coming off a resounding defeat of the Miami Dolphins, the same team that the Browns allowed to score 31 points on, in defeat of course, but still. This will be another test of this team’s character. Will they crap all over the progress they’ve made this season, like the Lions have done? Time will tell, but only over the next three weeks. After that, it’s too late.

NFL NOTES
- I think that Kellen Winslow II’s last-second touchdown, no touchdown was one of the gutsiest plays I’ve ever seen that almost mattered. The refs were probably thinking more about how they planned to escape if they overturned that call than whether it was a catch. Either way, the team is playing, mostly, with heart and spirit. Now, all we need is the brains.

- The ‘07 Bengals jumped in a time machine, and came back as the ‘06 team, without the offense. Penalties, dumb penalties and dumber penalties… and another loss. All that was missing was Chris Henry getting arrested on the sidelines. But that may still happen…

- The Redskins led in the game, but could not honor the memory of Sean Taylor with a win. I’m certain, though, he’d be quietly proud of the defense, which gave up no touchdowns. Then he’d cuss the team out in the locker room for losing the damn game!

- Hines Ward is the only player in the league who smiles through the entire freakin’ game. Last week, though, he stopped smiling for a second. I think he was pulling some seaweed from his teeth from the swamped field.

- JaMarcus Russell finally got into a game. And didn’t look so bad either.

- Brady Quinn hasn’t even been able to take a knee for the Browns, since their games are never over till 0:00, and not even then recently…

- It’s 11:52 p.m., and Bill Belichick is dreaming of scoring. His wife, laying next to him, is not pleased about this.

BONUS COLLEGE NOTE
- Maybe this time, Ohio State can avoid looking like asses in a title game. Either way, it won’t replace the double beatdown the football and basketball teams took from Florida last year.

*****

So there we were, standing in Annette’s grandmother’s backyard down on East 105th and Cedar, wearing purple cocktail dresses from Rainbow, with Vanity 6’s fishnet gloves on, for goodness sake, while Annette comes down the aisle, excuse me, driveway to Jodeci like she T-Boz in the “Love U 4 Life” video? Exactly! It was that kind of scene.

And I don’t have one single solitary photo from that wedding. And if I even SEE one, I take my lighter to it. It’s that serious, for real y’all!

It wasn’t long before Annette was asking us to be in her wedding again, and again. By the third wedding, we were all dressed in sharp black pants suits, cause it made no sense financially to be shelling out good money for what had become an every two-year event, it seemed like.

And while Annette did collect alimony, and child support, she also collected children. First there was Jayshawn (whose daddy was either Jayson or Shawn, she still don’t know), who came when she was 19. Four years later came Ronell (named after his daddy, aka, husband no. 1). That’s when things got out of control.

She crept out on Ronell, who might have been the best brotha for her, with a drug dealer off of Wade Park who called himself D’dre. We started callin’ her 50 Cent after that, because she took nine shots from this negro without a vest on.

“But girl, that brotha’s dick was so good I tried to fuck his brother after me and him split!” she would say.

Guess what her third son was named? Yup, little D’dre II came into this world, and it was only after D’dre Sr. got arrested and sentenced to life in jail for shooting a Cleveland Police officer that we found out this fool’s real name was Stanley.

The cum hadn’t even dried on the sheets of her and D’dre’s relationship before she married Omar (husband no. 2), a fake ass Muslim who had the smell of bacon on his breath as he spouted off verses from the Koran.

This brother left her so fast, I think his toothbrush was still in the package in the bathroom. She was able to have that marriage annulled, especially once it came out that Mr. Omar was married to FOUR other women from Ohio to Ghana.

But at least she was left with a wonderful parting gift: Imani, a beautiful brown jewel, who I make sure to spend plenty of time with, so she might not wind up like her crazy ass mama. How many children is that? Jayshawn, Ronell, D’dre and Imani, right?

Well that leaves us with Anthony, the baby. Named after (have you been paying attention?) a brother named Anthony. She met him when she had a job as a housekeeper for the Marriott downtown.

He was a dishwasher, who doubled as a landscaper, plumber. He kept himself busy, and seemed like he was gonna hang around, but Annette fucked that up when she got caught fuckin’ Shawn in the bed Anthony had just bought the week before. Just imagine that damn sight.

“Girl, Shawn kicked that nigga’s ass with a hard dick, girl!” Annette would gladly share, to a wall of awkward silence from us. “If not for that lamp, I might have been burying my husband!”

I guess after taking a few serious punches to the face, Anthony still had the awareness to grab Annette’s grandmother’s brass lamp, and promptly knocked the piss out of Shawn. I don’t know how Shawn got clothes on, if he got clothes on, when the paramedics came to the house, but that was the end for Annette and Anthony.

Except for every weekend when he comes to pick up the boys. And once every couple months when Annette does something shitty, like tell him to come over to pick up Anthony Jr. at 3 p.m., then leaves the house at 2:30, or when she takes him to court to up the child support, even though he’s the only one who she can count on to take care of their son, AND the other children.

So, that’s Mrs. Annette Marie Johnson-Jackson-Shaheed-Mooney in a nutshell for you.