ChillSpot Online: Our Art is Life

I sat at the end of the bar, sipping straight whiskey, shot after shot. The dimly lit night spot, filled with smoke and chatter, could not have been lonelier if it was empty.

The couple in the back mocked me with their loving embrace, longing looks and nondiscreet actions under the table. I wanted to pour my drink on them and strike a match.

But really it wasn’t them. It was her. She did this to me. So I set my tongue on fire. Then my throat. Right down to my guts. With the whiskey, that is. Then I ordered up another.

The barkeep cast a wary eye, then silently poured me another double. I slapped down another fiver as tip, and as he ambled away he turned to look at it, and me, in a way that said he thought of me as less than the crud on the bottom of his shoe.

I was too busy to notice. The hatch was being prepared for another assault. The dizzying nausea, accompanied by a wave of pity let me know that I’d reached my destination. No need for further torture.

She was gone.

The kids were gone.

The house was gone.

The love was gone.

I fumbled for my phone. I flipped it open and went, clumsily, to the call log. And there it was, still … 6:55 p.m., Shelly. I had deleted the message, but the words still echoed in my head. It was done.

I slowly rose, and stumbled, before grasping the edge of the bar. The barkeep wasn’t paying attention to me, or else he may have offered to get my a cab. But to go where? So I walked slowly into the rain outside. The downpour did nothing to sooth my soul.

We were still over.

Goodbye old friend.
It’s been an amazingly vivid
and unique dream,
but now it must end.
You’ve been a part of me
for many years,
and have helped me
avoid the pain of many losses.
But, and this is important,
You’ve kept me from
experiencing many joys.
It saddens me to see you go,
but only because you are me.
To excise you I had to
open myself to scrutiny,
open myself to criticism
open myself to the vulnerability
of being caught the open air,
without a net.
When I met you
you were an epiphany
that led to a slow, inexorable decline.
You were a glimpse of sunshine
before the interminable winter.
You were a cool drink
on the way to Hades.
I can no longer walk beside you.
You tend to lean heavy,
and your conversation
is not so intriguing.
I am headed toward the room
with the golden glow
of the sun eternal.
This place will not allow
your kind to enter.
And I so want to go here,
that it has finally come time
for you and I to part ways.
Fare well, old friend.
I wish you not upon another,
and if you should find someone —
Please do not torment them
as you had me.

Part II

I give my all to you,
The very essence of my soul,
The very thing that makes me whole,
Nothing else even matters,
I leave my body in tatters,
My very core exposed,
If only to spare you harm,
But don’t be alarmed,
There is only sensuality in the air,
The two of us without a care,
But know that I adore you,
That I hold you as my king,
To everyone your praises I sing,
The words, flowing straight from my heart,
Our affair is but a start,
There are children to conceive,
Dreams to achieve,
Stresses to relieve,
Believe me when I say,
There is nowhere I would rather be,
Than trapped within the memory,
Of me and you, and what we do
When no one is watching,
When no one can hear,
My dear, laying here,
Is all I want to do,
And now you know how I love you too,
And that nothing but you
Will ever do
For me.

(Inspired by the song “Nothing Even Matters”
by Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo)

Part I

A longing look, after the ecstacy recedes,
Back within, not back again –
Did that three times already,
A steady current of emotional flow,
Tantric, maybe so,
But definitely all me,
All you
All the beautiful things we do,
Holding hands in the rain,
Fighting together through the pain
Of grief, loss, moving into the shine of joy,
The eternal melody of bliss,
The pure static charge of our kiss,
The decrescendo that follows,
Can you feel what I mean,
Caught somewhere between
Wanting to lift you to the clouds,
Or simply keep you close,
The thing I love most
Is how you breathe as you sleep,
Soft and deep,
As if in a dream of pleasant places,
Cozy nooks and comfy spaces,
Wonderfully warm and secure,
Nuzzled into my chest,
Without so much as a wrinkle in your brow,
And now I know why I love you,
And why nothing but you
Will ever do
For me.

(Inspired by the song “Nothing Even Matters”
by Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo)