ChillSpot Online: Our Art is Life

You gotta love a person who speaks their mind, regardless of what you think, and maybe, in spite of it. That’s what George Carlin was all about. Yeah, he was 71, and yeah, he had chronic heart problems, but no, it didn’t make it sting any less when word spread that he died Sunday. In my personal Pantheon of People I admire, he’s right there.

Yeah, he was likely an ass to many, but when it came to not giving a fuck about what people thought, he was dead-on respectable. I didn’t know him besides his comedy, but I get the feeling that what you saw was what you got, and that’s hard to hide. His comedy wasn’t much more than poignant analysis and introspective views on things he found interesting. But it worked, because he managed to look into the places people took for granted and help them see things they never paid that much attention to. And even more than that, he helped them appreciate them. That’s a big deal to me. That’s something most people strive for in whatever field they choose. That’s the thing that made George Carlin matter to me, and likely many other people as well.

So, to think that this grumpy, old fart (his words, not mine) is gone, makes life seems a little less interesting today, if only because there’s one less person who looks at things like I do. And if I could have the last word (and he’d say, of course I could, because he’s FUCKIN DEAD!), I’d say that the world could use more like him - even if they’d curse you the fuck out for wishing for such sappy shit in the first place.

Let’s get right into it, you know the drill here …

- Watching Kobe Bryant, I think he’s frustrated by the mortals he walks with. He scowls at everyone, throws laser-passes no one can catch, and a generally miffed at one or all of his teammates. He should just fly off and join the Justice League, as this world is much too puny for him.

- Still can’t believe R. Kelly got off!

- Just saw Kobe kissing his wife and daughter at halftime. Still can’t believe he got off with that diamond ring!

- I was gonna say something about the Wii Fit, but changed my mind …

- I haven’t missed tomatoes …

- I HAVE missed $2.50/gal gas though … and who knew?

- Both Zohan and the Love Guru are creepy, pervy loons, and I doubt either make me laugh.

- But, at least the Zohan has Sandler. Myers is only funny lately when voicing big, green ogres.

- The Love Guru does have Jessica Alba, but since the whole baby/Cash Warren incident, she’s fallen a bit from the heights now claimed by Megan Fox and Jessica Lucas. She now dwells with second tier hotties like Eva Longoria and Jessica Biel… Yeah, I judge harshly.

- Crunchy peanut butter isn’t as bad as I remember it. But the whole peanut butter and jelly in the same jar? Ugh. I can’t see how I ever liked that…

- Even if Kobe left to join the Justice League, he’d still have to carry Tiger’s golf bag. Tiger has become like the time/space paradox; you can’t even begin to understand him EVEN when he’s standing right in front of you. He’s now simply a theory of greatness …

What would Chappelle do?
R. Kelly was found not guilty Friday of pissin on a minor, and various other crude sex acts.
In no way am I suggesting that the alleged crimes were not heinous, but let’s consider that it took 6 years (1,2,3,4,5 … SIX!!!) to get a verdict. And without the benefit of having been in the courtroom, the evidence looked pretty damning. What looked worst is the fact that Kelly had a bit of an unconfirmed history with minors under his belt already.

I sat at the end of the bar, sipping straight whiskey, shot after shot. The dimly lit night spot, filled with smoke and chatter, could not have been lonelier if it was empty. The couple in the back mocked me with their loving embrace, longing looks and nondiscreet actions under the table. I wanted to pour my drink on them and strike a match. But really it wasn’t them.

It was her. She did this to me. So I set my tongue on fire. Then my throat. Right down to my guts. With the whiskey, that is. Then I ordered up another. The barkeep cast a wary eye, then silently poured me another double. I slapped down another fiver as tip, and as he ambled away he turned to look at it, and me, in a way that said he thought of me as less than the crud on the bottom of his shoe. I was too busy to notice. The hatch was being prepared for another assault.

The dizzying nausea, accompanied by a wave of pity let me know that I’d reached my destination. No need for further torture.

She was gone.

The kids were gone.

The house was gone.

The love was gone.

I fumbled for my phone. I flipped it open and went, clumsily, to the call log. And there it was, still … 6:55 p.m., Shelly. I had deleted the message, but the words still echoed in my head. It was done. I slowly rose, and stumbled, before grasping the edge of the bar. The barkeep wasn’t paying attention to me, or else he may have offered to get my a cab. But to go where? So I walked slowly into the rain outside. The downpour did nothing to sooth my soul.

We were still over.

Now, this isn’t going to be nearly as virulent as the title implies, so let me go a bit before getting turned off. I’m from Cleveland, see? So, being from Cleveland, you typically inherit dislikes of other cities … maybe from jealously, maybe from disgust, whatever. I like to give each city a chance to stand on its own merits, before deeming it worthy of praise, pity or rage. Mainly, though, cities move around based solely on the basis of which teams play there. So, it goes without saying that some cities, even though I may never have been there, find their way onto this dubious list. But to be fair, I’ll try to say something nice about each city, no matter how hard it may be.

CITIES I HATE BECAUSE OF THEIR SUCK ASS TEAMS

5.) Chicago

Why I hate Chicago
See, I really don’t hate the city that much, it’s a great spot to hang out in. It’s like Cleveland, only bigger, more cultured and generally cooler. But any city that has feasted on the Cleveland Cavs like they were turkey on Thanksgiving - with Jordan’s ridiculous “The Shot” at the top of the list - has to go on the list.

Why I like Chicago
Plenty to like: Navy Pier, Giordano’s pizza, Wrigleyville, Cubs games, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan (I know, blasphemous, right? But good is good!) Scottie Pippen, The “Rodman” experience, Judd “Bush league” Buechler (I’m not even trying to spell it right! Well, I’m not looking it up …) Michigan Ave., The Fridge, The Super Bowl Shuffle (pure comedy) and Barack Obama. See, and that’s just off the top!

4.) Baltimore

Why I hate Baltimore
I’m a Cleveland fan! Do I need to say his name? Fine … ART MODELL.

Why I like Baltimore
Camden Yards is nearly as cool a stadium as the Jake, I mean Progressive Field, Troy Smith plays there, and I have a really cool picture of a park overlooking the water there, someplace.

3.) Denver

Why I hate Denver
John Elway’s big stupid smile, and bigger arm in the clutch, the Three Amigos, The Drive, the Fumble, yeah, we’re still mad about that shit in Cleveland!

Why I like Denver
Iverson, Carmelo (to a lesser degree), the “Katelyn Faber” incident (Google her, if you don’t know), and the 2007 Rockies.

2.) Detroit

Why I hate Detroit
I hear it stinks there, the Pistons play there, the Tigers play (or try to) there. The uppity Red Wings, who just won another title. Did I say the Pistons? I don’t like the Piss-tons.

Why I like Detroit
Kwame Kilpatrick’s “party-time” mayoral campaign, Motown (which introduced the world to Stevie Wonder, and Smokey Robinson), Ford Mustangs, and Barry Sanders.

1.) Boston

Why I hate Boston
Maybe it’s their smug attitude, the way their fans thumb their noses at the rest of the sports world, while at the same time crying for pity about their poor team’s misfortune. They have the Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics, and are one of the two or three winningest cities in the country, yet all you ever hear about is Babe Ruth based curses, and no respect for Spygate and those poor Celtics not having won a title in 21 years. Paul Pierce’s knife wound-riddled body resides there. Bill Belichick wins there, when he couldn’t do squat here but look like he was taking a dump in EVERY INTERVIEW.

Why I like Boston
Manny Ramirez plays there, KG, Ray Allen, Randy Moss. But none of that is enough so ….
Boston, SUCK IT!

Missed the cut: Pittsburgh (I love Bettis, and the Steelers rivalry lost a little steam when the Browns left town), Cincinnati (I live there now; not prudent to hate the city you live in too much, people might object), Jacksonville (it just seems like it sucks to live there, minus the warmth), the entire state of North Carolina (Duke and North Carolina basketball rivalry, ugh! Just hearing Dick Vitale get amped about this again and again makes me puke Tar Heel Blue chunks), and whatever city YOU live in, if not already mentioned. Why, cause I’m from Cleveland, and we don’t like outsiders, period!