Now, this isn’t going to be nearly as virulent as the title implies, so let me go a bit before getting turned off. I’m from Cleveland, see? So, being from Cleveland, you typically inherit dislikes of other cities … maybe from jealously, maybe from disgust, whatever. I like to give each city a chance to stand on its own merits, before deeming it worthy of praise, pity or rage. Mainly, though, cities move around based solely on the basis of which teams play there. So, it goes without saying that some cities, even though I may never have been there, find their way onto this dubious list. But to be fair, I’ll try to say something nice about each city, no matter how hard it may be.
CITIES I HATE BECAUSE OF THEIR SUCK ASS TEAMS
5.) Chicago
Why I hate Chicago
See, I really don’t hate the city that much, it’s a great spot to hang out in. It’s like Cleveland, only bigger, more cultured and generally cooler. But any city that has feasted on the Cleveland Cavs like they were turkey on Thanksgiving - with Jordan’s ridiculous “The Shot” at the top of the list - has to go on the list.
Why I like Chicago
Plenty to like: Navy Pier, Giordano’s pizza, Wrigleyville, Cubs games, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan (I know, blasphemous, right? But good is good!) Scottie Pippen, The “Rodman” experience, Judd “Bush league” Buechler (I’m not even trying to spell it right! Well, I’m not looking it up …) Michigan Ave., The Fridge, The Super Bowl Shuffle (pure comedy) and Barack Obama. See, and that’s just off the top!
4.) Baltimore
Why I hate Baltimore
I’m a Cleveland fan! Do I need to say his name? Fine … ART MODELL.
Why I like Baltimore
Camden Yards is nearly as cool a stadium as the Jake, I mean Progressive Field, Troy Smith plays there, and I have a really cool picture of a park overlooking the water there, someplace.
3.) Denver
Why I hate Denver
John Elway’s big stupid smile, and bigger arm in the clutch, the Three Amigos, The Drive, the Fumble, yeah, we’re still mad about that shit in Cleveland!
Why I like Denver
Iverson, Carmelo (to a lesser degree), the “Katelyn Faber” incident (Google her, if you don’t know), and the 2007 Rockies.
2.) Detroit
Why I hate Detroit
I hear it stinks there, the Pistons play there, the Tigers play (or try to) there. The uppity Red Wings, who just won another title. Did I say the Pistons? I don’t like the Piss-tons.
Why I like Detroit
Kwame Kilpatrick’s “party-time” mayoral campaign, Motown (which introduced the world to Stevie Wonder, and Smokey Robinson), Ford Mustangs, and Barry Sanders.
1.) Boston
Why I hate Boston
Maybe it’s their smug attitude, the way their fans thumb their noses at the rest of the sports world, while at the same time crying for pity about their poor team’s misfortune. They have the Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics, and are one of the two or three winningest cities in the country, yet all you ever hear about is Babe Ruth based curses, and no respect for Spygate and those poor Celtics not having won a title in 21 years. Paul Pierce’s knife wound-riddled body resides there. Bill Belichick wins there, when he couldn’t do squat here but look like he was taking a dump in EVERY INTERVIEW.
Why I like Boston
Manny Ramirez plays there, KG, Ray Allen, Randy Moss. But none of that is enough so ….
Boston, SUCK IT!
Missed the cut: Pittsburgh (I love Bettis, and the Steelers rivalry lost a little steam when the Browns left town), Cincinnati (I live there now; not prudent to hate the city you live in too much, people might object), Jacksonville (it just seems like it sucks to live there, minus the warmth), the entire state of North Carolina (Duke and North Carolina basketball rivalry, ugh! Just hearing Dick Vitale get amped about this again and again makes me puke Tar Heel Blue chunks), and whatever city YOU live in, if not already mentioned. Why, cause I’m from Cleveland, and we don’t like outsiders, period!
