ChillSpot Online: Our Art is Life

Sistah, I know you doin’ your thing
Feelin’ your own vibe, but
I just have one request that’ll help you
Put your best foot forward
Toward a better stand in the world boo
Could you … just put on a little make-up?
That would help take up some of that bad skin you got
Flowing right around your cheeks and your forehead
I mean, you asked me to be straight up
So before we hook this date up
Could you run a brush through your hair and over your teeth
Cause it kinda give me grief
That I always gotta be pullin’ you to the side
Before we step outta my ride and puttin’ you in front of a mirror,
Cause your reflection makes it clearer
That you got issues to address
And those issues cause distress to the brotha in your way,
And while we on it might I say
Your attitude could use a shift
When we first met you was the gift
But nowadays your shit is broke
And even worse you like to toke
And open eyes nobody see
Avoidin’ jobs because of pee
Just ain’t the way you need to be
And all this mess comes back on me
And I don’t even smoke the Ghetto D!!!

As the pit in my stomach fills with the caustic acid of anxiety,
I’m asking me if the old time parable, no longer bearable,
Has any validity truthfully:

You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make him drink.
Stop and think
You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make her drink.
Third time, don’t blink!
You can take a horse to water but you cain’t make him drink.
I say that to relay the fact
That anyway your mate may act
Is not for you to alter
But instead your course should falter,
Realize that people are the way they are
And ain’t no cynicism, mysticism or straight up criticism
Gon change the realism
That you can show a person’s flaws
And think that doing so will cause
That one to change their state of mind
Because it won’t.
So instead of changing you
I’m changing me.
Thankfully.

I’ve walked through fire,
burned my flesh so bad till vermin came sniffing the aroma,
scarred my retinas looking at the sun through binoculars,
severed tendons, cracked vertebrae, punctured organs
and knocked myself unconscious,
and never did I have a moment of fear of things
I’d done or faced, until you.

You.

You showed me a darkness
deeper than the murkiest trenches in the Pacific Ocean,
colder than the most desolate corners of the universe,
colder than Absolute Zero,
colder than the breath of a dead man,
from which there is no return.
I strode valliantly, ignorantly, toward my own demise,
in hopes of conjuring a magic powerful enough to overcome you.

But I had it all wrong.

In order to defeat something as sinister as you
I would have had to submit to it,
to you,
to the very evil I have worked to extract
from my own soul. I thought I could walk the edge,
straddle the raging volcano,
inhale the noxious gases
but an angel came to me as I stood on the precipice,
ready to plunge in,
and suggested I look inward before going further.
The angel showed me the folly
of trying to control a shadowy force of nature.

After all, what have you gained
if you obtain the upperhand on the devil himself?
And furthermore, is it really even necessary
to understand Satan anymore than you might already?
Evil is evil, and to look much more into it than that
is to become in league with said evil.

After seeing the darkness in my soul,
which had been blackening as I read from your book,
I found it best to turn away from you,
toward the light, because there is no victory
to be had standing toe-to-toe with the demon queen herself.

Before you took a breath,
before you ever told me you loved me
you were gone.
I know not where you went,
but I know where you aren’t.
You aren’t inside me,
you were in my past the moment you began.
I’d like to imagine you’re in a special place
Reserved for angels and the innocent,
Playing in the rain, climbing the tall slide
At the biggest playground in the world,
Laughing, screaming and running around
Free.
If I could have wished that for you it would be so.
I don’t know. I was happy today,
In a way, it’s all thanks to you,
Because there is no you,
The Me in all this grew,
Continued to enjoy the fruits of my new life,
Your new life never was,
Because it was between the two,
And you had no voice
No vote
No choice
Rejoice, because you’re in a better place;
Your face, bathed in the light of the sun,
It’s done, because I didn’t want it
And he didn’t care,
So there was no chance;
In my mind’s eye you dance with
My grandfather, old and new –
You two, in the same joyous abode,
Behold, how bad begat something good
Then became bad, which led to something good again.
I know in my heart that doesn’t make sense,
But since you’re not here to argue your side,
Inside me is how I choose to see
What we did and where you’ll be –
Eternity is a long time
But in time we’ll meet again,
And you can tell me how you hate me
Debate me on what I did
But for now, I am …
And you never were.

You’ve been thinking of me.
I can feel the heaving of your chest,
the warmth of your lips
as if they were pressed against mine,
the sensation of arousal, so close, so vivid,
a kaleidoscope of sexual energy.
Yes, I’ve been on your mind.
This I know without doubt.
You were imagining us
Someplace exotic,
With palm trees swaying in a light breeze
And birds we’ve never heard of
Singing a symphony of colors
A tapestry of the sublime.
We begin inside,
Clothes shed,
Inhibitions dropped,
Nothing but us here,
The hypnotic roar of the ocean
Is the soundscape of our scene.
Who knew a place this beautiful
Could ever be left to me and you?
We’ve just begun, but we’re already submerged,
Kissing deeply,
Touching each other in that way,
As we make our way onto the balcony,
No one can see us behind the brush,
Lush flowers illuminate the space around us,
Quiet moans are all that emanate …

You anticipate my tongue
On your pussy, and quiver in response,
I oblige your silent request, and wet your place
With saliva, your juices run down your inner thigh,
And I, reach around and play around the rim of your ass,
No breech, just a little exploration,
Before penetration,
Elation crosses your face as you come,
Deep and slow, the expression on your face shows
You need some of this dick,
It’s already slick, from thinking about fuckin you,
But before we do, you take it deep into your throat,
Massaging it with your lips,
Rolling your tongue around it as you caress my balls,
The trees blush from the sight of us,
Not caring who sees,
“Do you want more?”
“Baby, please!”
So, before you can make me come,
I stand and bend you over the railing,
Your beautiful brown breasts hang freely,
If you could see me thrusting deep into you,
My face, contorted with ecstacy and intensity,
Slowly at first, then hard and strong,
I’m giving it to you long,
Your titties do a dance of passion,
And my balls smack hard against your clit,
Ain’t nothing better than this shit right here!
It’s clear you wanna come again,
So go ahead, it ain’t gon end
Just because you do.
And then you do,
And I keep going,
The sounds echo off the walls,
Clit smackin against balls,
Until I can’t take it anymore
But before I explode you pull off
And suck down all my load,
Push me back on the floor,
And move your ass around for some more,
So I eat that juicy wet pussy like before,
Only I have a surprise for you,
As my dick pops up for round two,
Me and you, sweaty and sticky,
Then you ask, “Come on baby, just go on and dick me!”

When did it end?
I can’t be certain, but my mouth is dry
and evidence of something
uniquely nasty is all over the place:
Towels, crunchy and crumpled lay
Everywhere from the bedroom to the railing,
An empty bottle of pino lays in the hot tub
(Did we ever get in there?)
And half-eaten strawberries are strewn
Cross the bed, some smashed,
Some stuck to my chest and back.
I look over at you,
And I know it went down,
Your mouth is half open,
And there’s a cum stain on your neck.
Your panties are nowhere to be found,
And like me, you have strawberries stuck to you,
And some down between your legs even.
At that thought, my dick gets hard,
Rock hard,
So I roll you over …

Damn, you’re sexy!
I’d suck your dick until Wednesday!
Yeah, I said that shit. I’m nasty as hell.
The only thing nastier than me
is what some people think of me.
But I don’t give a crap about that.
I’m too damn cool for that,
in fact, I’m too cool for HIV,
Gonoree
or Syphali …
Get me?
I fuck for pleasure. I fuck for fun,
I’ll fuck your man, your woman, your son,
I’ll ride em hard until they cum,
Then keep on going till I’m done,
That bitch you always be hearin’ bout?
I’m the muthafuckin one!

Okay, so maybe I’m not that bitch, but I’ve been called it, or thought of as it, if by no one else, then by me. See, I got this yearnin, this burning lust, that means I just must fuck a dick when I get it near me, clearly that ain’t always the best way to go. Mainly it get me called a hoe, but that ain’t nuthin I ain’t dealt with before. The killer about this whole thing is that I’m madly in love and married. Right, married. And my husband loves me very much and satisfies me with his every stroke. But he cain’t fulfill my urges, wishes desires to get that hot shit up in me. So I go online, where like grapes off the vine the men are sweet on me. They come from all around the region to season this thang. Tenderize and mesmerize, but never hypnotise, but I’m trying to get wise to the game.
I told my hubby about all this, and he was okay … with a few caveats … No taking it in the rear, no more naughty pics, no bareback dicks and no swallowing …
I love my man, but I just can’t squash my appetite, for everything but one thing: big black meat. Yeah, I said that shit. I fucked with a mandingo who was packing 14 inches if he packed one, and he fucked my shit so hard and so long that I wasn’t right for a week. Even now when I think of that shit my pussy throbs … so it ain’t racial when I think twice about making nice with the dark secrets the brothas keep in their pants…
but I’m trying to turn over a new tree, become a new me, not a cleaner me, just a better me, one who can have a man in her house and not fuck him, suck him or ride him. A me who can see a man for more than his spare parts, and thus, see me for more than mine. So, what I guess I’m saying is that I’m becoming a better hoe? Ya know?

I went away to school for reasons I’m not even about to go into.
Cause it ain’t none of your business.
So don’t ask.
But anyway, I went out of state to school, and I met a boy.

He was the shit. He liked me, he liked the things I liked and I loved him for it. As things go, however, there was a lot about this boy I didn’t know. And oh boy, when it came out … it hit hard. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before shit went bonkers, there was a lot of love … and a love of making love. It was wonderful. He was sensitive and caring and attnentive to my needs, indeed, he was the ideal man.
Bullshit!
It all turned to straight bullshit once I got pregnant.
How did I get pregnant? We used condoms!?!
Oh, it was so cute when he said our babies would be cute so we should have one, and shit like that. But this stupid idiot was poking holes in the condoms, busting them ON PURPOSE trying to conceive … and when he did, he turned to shit. He thought I was going to abort, so he stressed the shit out of me, threatened me … but that wasn’t the end.
His wife didn’t appreciate my situation one bit. Yeah, I said his wife. The fucker was married! And when I lost the baby, he kept riding me … saying I lost it on purpose … what the fuck!?!? I left him, I left there, I left school because that wasn’t the kind of education I was ever looking to attain.

I was surfin da web wen I seen dis site, axing for peeple to write about things they ben thru. I dont type so good, but I wanned to tell my side of things I ben thru. Imma ask the guy who runs da site to fix my grammer and cleen it up so I wont embaras myself…

I’m too young to be going through the things I’ve been through. I have three children. Two sons and a daughter. Only my youngest lives with me. Long story. But isn’t that what this space is for? I’m not about to mince words. I’ve been raped several times. I’ve been beaten to a pulp, left without a dime, my children in foster care, my ass in the wind. I’ve drank until my head felt filled with cement, and smoked until each breath burned my nostrils right down into my lungs.

I work at a loser ass fast food restaurant, slinging crap into the world, just like it slings it right back at me. When your food hits the floor, if no one is watching, I serve it to you. It’s not that I’m mean, I just don’t care that much. No one cared about me. Not the man who raped me and got me pregnant, not my nasty pedofile ass brother, who molested my daughter and will be invited home by my mother when his juvenile incarceration ends. No one. If this is supposed to be about redemption, I think mine won’t qualify. I have no idea how to be redeemed, because I just don’t fuckin value myself that much to begin with. I have no redeeming qualities. I take care of my son, but he’s a monster, and I had a hand to play in it, shit – I lost him for most of his life to foster care – he’s still a toddler and already showing signs of stress and delinquency. Will he grow up and beat his baby mama, or go from middle school to prison? I don’t know, but I can’t do much to help him. Or me.

So what the hell am I evolving into? Something that I wish would never exist. ….

I wanned to thank u fo reedin my feelins. I hope u don’t jugde me badlt an that u taek sumthin away frum it. TTYL. Bye.

Listen the hell up. I don’t know why I’m here, or why I’m telling you my story. Alright? So just shut the fuck up and listen, cool? Cool.

I’ve been a fool.

A fool for fucking with dumb ass thugs.
A fool for fucking with dumb ass drugs.
A fool for lying when the truth was easier.
A fool for telling a lie when the truth was sleasier.

I’ve made mistakes. A lot of mistakes, and I ain’t even that old.

26, and already feeling like I’m 40. I lost the only good job I ever had, and that was wiping old men’s asses, and having them try to masturbate when I came in the room. Since then I’ve given Ronald Mcdonald a blowjob, let the King and his court run a train on me, and even had a lesbian tryst with that dimwitted redhead over a Biggie fry and a Frosty.

So listen to me when I say, there ain’t no way I’m gonna be doing this same shit for long. You’d be wrong to assume it, and I’d be more than glad to prove it. Cause now, it’s all about my son. My angel, my main man, the reason I finally see the truth through the bull.

So you wanna know if I still lie? Why? I just told you I was through with that shit! But for real, the question is legit, cause I do, and I will, until the day when I can step up as the thing I value most for the thing I value most. My boy.

It’s been nearly a year.

A year since it happened.

A year since the accident that was NO accident.

A year since everything I thought I was and thought I wanted aimed its unseen evil at me and lashed out with the vengeance of a madman. A madman who I would have laid down my life for. Who was everything to me and mine. A madman who didn’t care nearly as much for me as he did for his own sorry ass. Alas, it’s been a year, and I hear letting go is supposed to be therapeutic. Most nights it just made me sick. This man, for 5 years was my rock, but ultimately it wasn’t nearly as solid as it appeared in my mind.

In fact, I find that my rock was a pebble, less than a stone, and not much more than a grain of sand. I thought I was powerful, but I was shown to be mistaken. By him. He who took my love, my respect, my children, and spat on it, urinated on it, flushed it, discarded it. He then stuck his hand in the bowl of spinning water and tried to retrieve us.

But it was done.

My armor was cracked, my staff broken, my pride faded … and I was still to live a year in solitude, a year of trying to recover from the destruction. I receded, but I am soon to rise again, as Athena, Goddess of War and Wisdom. Never again will a weakminded madman consume me, and use my powers for evil, then leave me for dead. I was too strong for it then, but for my mind. But now, my mind is healed, my true self revealed, and never again will I absorb another blow.

This is all so new to me.

I never had guys hit on me before. I don’t really have any friends, but I’m a really cool girl.

I love sports, but never played any before. I’m a cutie, but that never mattered to men, who only sidled up to me because they thought I’d be an easy lay, or they could have their way with me. See, I’ve looked at the world from a different perspective for most of my life, and now, to be on the other side – it’s a little overwhelming.

You know how TV shows put the fat suit on a pretty woman, and let her walk around the city in it, just to see how it feels? Then she comes back in tears from all the stares, insults and disparaging remarks she heard? That’s a little how I feel. Like I’ve shed a part of my identity, and only I see who it was I used to be. That’s why it’s really important for me to get this right. Because it’s not about them; it’s about me.

Not long ago, it was just me. Sitting at home, on my computer, planning for my future, but really hoping to get to the point I’ve reached now. I played so much Solitaire that I could close my eyes and play a round from start to finish, without losing a card. I was an introvert … you could say.

Then, like the caterpillar, I submerged, turned inward, made the decision that I would no longer crawl along the earth, but that I would fly, float, soar. But before I could do that, change had to happen.

And it did.

And it was hard. And painful. But when the day came for me to emerge from my cocoon; one flap of my wings and I knew I’d made the right choice. No longer ground bound, you might see me above you, a blur of beautful colors in flight, and know this: I’m never coming back down, and I’ll never lose sight of the scars I bare from the past, even from years away and miles above them.